With almost thirty years on this planet, I also have come to terms with the fact that I used to be far too judgmental. For instance, punks can’t play tennis, only nerds make youtube videos, sluts don’t go to church, and Satanists make the best strudel, naturally. Girls, boys, was I ever so wrong! Turns out punks make the best strudel, nerds play tennis, sluts make the best youtube videos, and Satanists have their own churches!!! Cleveland has also been no stranger to having assumptions thrown its way.
Remember how Charlie Sheen starred in “Major League”? Of course, you do. Admittedly, he filmed the masterpiece under the influence of steroids to help him achieve a “winning” performance. “You can print this, I don’t give a f—. My fastball went from 79 to like 85,” doth quoted Sheen. You have to admire Sheen’s commitment to character, it's like if Julia Roberts admitted to dappling in prostitution for her role in Pretty Woman or if a young clownfish swam over the drop-off prior the actual animating of “Finding Nemo.” Similarly, I am committed to Cleveland, the west side and the east side. Surrounding areas- got it. Outlying areas- got that too. Low-lying, islanders, out-of-staters, foreigners, and anyone with love for Cleveland are the best kind of people I know.
In “Major League,” however, Cleveland took its share of hits.
Jake Taylor: I play for the Indians.
Chaire Holloway: Here in Cleveland? I didn't know they still had a team!
Jake Taylor: Yup, we've got uniforms and everything, it's really great!
And so what, “Major League” was filmed in Milwaukee. We here in Northeast Ohio know that’s like pouring Maxwell House into a Starbucks cup. Sister, please! Besides, Charlie Sheen stole his “winning” quotation from an episode of “8 Simple Rules.” Prove it, you say. I shall: In this episode, the father Paul Hennessy’s teenage daughter Bridget scores her first job where she receives a 40% discount on clothing. “I always win,” Bridget says. “I’m a winner.” In the end, she overspends the allocated funds for fashion and gets no paycheck. Obviously, this storyline hit home with Charlie Sheen the way Ricky Vaughn’s character got under his skin. (Wait, that was the steroids.) If you don’t like sarcasm, don’t come to Cleveland, we were winning back when there only “4 Simple Rules.” (All of which we broke because we are trailblazers, not sheep blindly following the herd.) But here’s one rule, don’t talk about the Burning River, unless you are referring to the eponymously titled Great Lakes Brewing Company beer.
Even though an episode of “30 Rock” took part of the cast to Cleveland, it was with a grain of sarcastic salt. But it did garner Cleveland attention, and like an unhealthy romance, negative attention is sometimes better than no attention at all. Yet, I digress. My blog is about positive attention for Cleveland, its residents, and its creative core. This blog will interview artists, musicians, and others who are inspiring the next generation of Clevelanders, Lakewood-ians, Westlakers, Parma-nites, Brooklyn-ders, and Strongsvillians. And that’s only to name a few.
Harry Doyle: That's all we got, one goddamn hit?
Assistant: You can't say goddamn on the air.
Harry Doyle: Don't worry, nobody is listening anyway.
Correction, I have been listening. And it’s ironic how Sheen’s quotes of late are so befitting of “Things Cleveland Would Say if Cleveland Could Talk.” Such as, “Duh, winning!” Cleveland is totally like, duh, winning! Cleveland is not as easily digested as a Fig Newton or a rice cake. No. Like Sheen, Cleveland would say, “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ “It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.” You’d see the art galleries, the cafes, and the hot night spots and wonder why you keep booking weekends to NYC or Vegas. Staycations? Oh, yes. Some people just don’t understand the draw.
Cleveland would take the cigarette out Charlie Sheen’s mouth, stomp on it, and make a flower grow out of its ashes. Cleveland has higher self-esteem than the warlock himself, and accordingly Cleveland also says “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” You think you have a magic marker, Cleveland has a magic mark of pride… It is a leader, not a follower. In Sheen-speak, Cleveland proclaims, “I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
If you got what it takes to impress me, e-mail me at jhek81@gmail.com or hit me up at facebook at http://facebook.com/juliet.abram. I'm looking for anyone who wants to be promoted in the Cleveland area, with a background in creative arts, music, and entertainment. Consideration will be made for other worthy endeavors, such as those who grow their own food, make their own clothes, or know of a really sweet store or company looking for free advertisement! Remember, as Charlie Sheen said, “Can’t is the cancer of happen.” Let’s make this happen!
“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.” – Charlie Sheen
Sweet Charlie Sheen-isms! Wish you the best of luck as your blog continues :) Hope when you post musicians we get some tracks to hear too.
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